That place called home

A little more than three years away from home, and all I need is home.  It’s not like I can’t stay away from home for too long, but the futility of it all, and yet the necessity of it all, renders me answerless. What is that huge necessity that makes moving out of your home so essential, that you don’t have to think twice before accepting a job offer that requires you to be thousands of miles away from home? What is that unseen futility that tells you, after years of labour you have put into your workplace, that all this time you have been away from home, supposedly exploring the world and in turn exploring yourself, you have actually not been your real self? You have not been with yourself. You have just been: been busy, been working, been tired, and been anything but living life.

And yet, how many of us can ever imagine spending our entire life at home? There is this huge world to look forward to. There are new people to meet. There are new milestones to achieve. And any restriction, such as the one that needs you to be close to home, will just deter your success. And anyway, life is about moving on. It’s about finding new things in new places.

However, deep inside lingers a long-nurtured dream. A dream in which I am with the people I love the most. Doing things I love the most. I am at home - a place where no worries reside, where giggles light the mornings, and lullabies welcome the nights. There is no entrance into this place, nor does there exist an exit. As far as the eye can see, there are just butterflies dancing in the little gardens that encircle this place, while bright sunlight dawns upon the unkempt grass on a sweet January morning. There are no things to do, no deadlines, no ambitions, no desires; just the feeling of fulfillment, of nothingness. And as the sun sets, and the day grows cold, there is a little bonfire to warm me up.. There is warmth enough.. There is warmth enough..

And the dream lingers on.

But sooner or later, the butterfly will fly away. And as it spreads its beautiful wings, no matter how dangerous and unforgiving  the world is, the butterfly will simply fly away, probably not even look back once, madly engrossed in its new achievement, looking forward to a new world, where it hopes to find its place one day.

Jlt!

// Hume tumse pyaar kitna, yeh hum nahi jaante..

Magar jee nahi sakte tumhare bina…. //

There are times when I go on listening to the same playlist again and again for weeks. This time it’s the Old Hindi Classics playlist on my iPod that’s been playing iteratively for quite some time. As I sit here listening to this old classic, stupid thoughts and interpretations swarm my mind.

I guess the singer is talking about true love. How it’s impossible to live without the beloved! And isn’t that what most of us keep telling each other, our loved ones that is. Not just telling, but also believing so in our sub-conscious mind. A belief that simply rejects the idea of life without a particular person or a specific environment or something of that effect.

The irony is this: Our beliefs, interpretations and plans seldom coincide with the truths of life. No matter how much emotionally or socially attached we might be to any person living, death is what makes all the difference. In that manner, death is more of an eye-opener, for the people who are left behind, destined to live on, for better or for worse. When death arrives, it sweeps away with itself just the person, and no matter how much we request, plead, cry, it won’t act otherwise. It won’t leave that person. It won’t take you either. It just does what it does. It kills. It liberates.

I hope it hasn’t happened with you. But that’s what happens with most of the people. Loved ones die. You pray madly, frantically to die with them. Life seems to be meaningless. Light seems to be nowhere. For days, you curse your own existence. And then time does the trick. It gives you strength. It gives you life. It elucidates you. It introduces you to the truth. And the truth is harsh.

The truth is that nobody dies with the dead. Nobody WANTS to die with the dead. It is just the moment of death, its enormity, its awe, that we begin to feel that all we wish to do is to die with the dead. There is hope of converging with the lost. At that moment, love becomes greater than fear. But that is just a moment.

The moment passes by, and we come face-to-face with the truth. Life goes on. And no matter what, it goes on and on and on. We get busy, there are new people to meet, new milestones to achieve, new love to find. There are new attachments to be made, new missions to be accomplished, new races to run. And then one fine day, death strikes again. Life comes a full circle. And the circle never stops. Probably that is the beauty of life. Or is it the ugliness?

The Eighth Deadly Sin

 * wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony. *

If there could have possibly been an eight sin in addition to the Seven Deadly Sins, it would probably be the-judgemental-attitude. Or maybe not? :-/

Well as a kid I always had this notion that one should not be judgmental. It’s not really a virtue to carry on with you. You are supposed to listen to people, look at situations and take your decisions. Passing judgements over other people’s actions, behavioural patterns and words is not expected out of the so-called “good” people. And to put it straight, I have grown up always trying to become “good” (not that I am really sure what that is actually supposed to mean).

But over the last few weeks I have been wondering about this. What’s so wrong about being judgemental? :-? Why is it such an obnoxious thing to be? Why does it count as a bad thing? Why can’t you simply be expected to depend on your judgements rather than your whims? And aren’t whims and judgements two different things? How does NOT being judgemental help anyways?

Wikipedia describes the word “Judgemental” as judgment of the rightness or wrongness of something, or of the usefulness of something, based on a personal view. As a generalization, a value judgment can refer to a judgment based upon a particular set of values or on a particular value system.

It is inevitable to have a personal value system just like it is impossible not to have a personal view about anything. And if one has either or both of these, why can’t one apply them to making new opinions? When you meet a new person, or get to know new people, how do you see them? Aren’t their words and actions the only doors to knowing them? Is there any human way possible to getting to know someone’s real thoughts and intentions? Come on! We don’t even know our own thoughts in an organized manner. Our words and their transition into actions define us, define who we are. And when two people meet each other, talk, share, love, laugh, cry… what other than words and actions have they got to exchange? And when we say, we know a person, what do we really mean? Obviously that we have known them for whatsoever amount of time through their words and actions. Nothing else is known, or knowable. Not that the unknowable isn’t worth knowing though.

So when we judge people, we actually make use of our intellect to determine what someone did or what someone appears to be is right or wrong, IN OUR OPINION. And how is that wrong? We all have the right to having and making our own opinions. I do not see how being being judgemental is not some sort of wisdom. Even more so in today’s world, which is flooded with falsehood, deceit, treachery, deception and lies. And (even though I am yet to meet with one single person who is not judgemental) if a person is not judgemental, what is her/his plan of action anyway? Being judgemental sure does not make you deceit-proof, but it does increase the chances of the same. Why, then, is it such a crime to be judgemental? It isn’t a crime to be wise for sure..

:-/

And still, whenever one of your conversations with someone you supposedly “know” ends up with that someone telling you that you are “judgemental” it sure doesn’t go down well with the system :-/

Yes I have! :-??

One thing I have learnt over the last few years is that no matter what you do, what you say, where you go, who you choose to be with, etc etc.. one thing is sure to be told to you.. and those three golden words are

.

.

.

.

.

“You have changed” !

And believe me, eight of the ten times you are told that, it has got simply nothing to do with you.

That said, no person in their sane minds can disregard the universal fact that Homo sapiens is an ever- evolving species. As a human being, you have two choices at any given point in time: You evolve and adapt to the environment around you. Or you don’t , and die. The choice is yours.

What, then, is the big deal about? What really do people mean when they tell you “You have changed” ? What is it that they expect us to do as a response to this query of theirs? And is this even a query at all, or just a matter-of-fact-statement? They sure don’t expect us to spend our entire life being exactly the same person? Is that even humanly possible? :-?

Well, helping myself a bit with these questions, here I am putting down some simple and probable interpretations of the words “You have changed”. Lucky if you are, at least one of these interpretations might be “the” one for you :P

>> When you have gathered enough courage, for the first time ever, to say NO to someone, and they tell you “You have changed”, it probably means that it is something that they expected from you at some point of time in future, but not really now. Basically, here it is an expression of sheer disappointment at their own luck.

>>When you meet an old friend after a couple of years and you are told, “You have changed”, it definitely means that they expected you to be the same old I-don’t-care-what-I-wear-types, and are kind of surprised to see how the hell have you turned out to be so good-looking, pretty or handsome. In this case, it is a sure-shot expression of envy that cannot be helped :P

>>When you refuse to lend a thing to someone who keeps losing or damaging all the stuff you lend to them, and they tell you “You have changed”, it more than anything means that they are having their last shot at making you lend them your stuff. Evidently, the usage of the golden words here is just a desperate last attempt at getting the required article of concern here.

>>When you confront someone for having wronged you in life, and they tell you “You have changed”, it is nothing but their way of putting the blame of everything wrong onto an unreasonable fact that can let them get out of the dirt without getting dirty. Specifically, here is where these words are most inappropriately used or rather misused, to simply start the blame game.

>>When you are repeatedly asked by people to change yourself in some respect, and when you actually change yourself according to them, you are told “You have changed”; then it’s simply a change that they thought they wanted to make in you, but did not know if they could handle this “change”. These three words are an indication to their own ignorance of their wishes.

>>And then there is this last thing that happens to a lot of people. Sometimes one of your good qualities begin to hurt your own self so much that you intuitively decide to change that good quality into something not-so-good. Life is sometimes that bitter. Here again, you may be told “You have changed”. For the first time ever, they really mean what they say. This time the words mean “You HAVE changed”. Life has changed you.

                No matter what you do, what you say, where you go, who you choose to be with, there is nothing that can stop you from changing. Because it is an inherent and inevitable element of human nature. And anyone who claims they haven’t changed or never will, are lying. Not to you or to me, but more importantly to their own selves.

Happy Birthday Aditi!! 

Well .. yes.. I know this is not the best birthday gift ever, haan haan! But come on! I’m sure you can do with just this for the time being, you know your birthday presents are waiting for you somewhere out there!! In the shops ofcourse! You can’t expect me to have bought them already right?! I still have atleast 15 days B-) , not considering my previous record that is :P

Anyways, you know baby, I have been meaning to write this for months together, but making you crib about it just makes the whole experience grow tenfold! :P

Ok, let me get this straight to you! I love you! Soo much! And I don’t think I can have as close a friend ever in this life or another.

I love the way you make things going for me, every single time.

I love the way you have such a great and unique perspective about every goddamn thing in this world.

I love it when the same thing told by ten people looks rubbish to me, and then you, out of nowhere, tell me the same thing, in a way, that seems to put all the sense into it.

I love it when you call me every single Sunday, no matter what, (even if we have been talking every other day of the week), and the way you tell me I broke the rule when I don’t call you on Sundays :P

I love the way you let huge, problem-like situations go just like that, telling yourself and me that it’s no big deal.

I love the way you let little things get onto your nerve, saying this is what is going to shape our futures.

I love it when you talk all philosophical stuff. And it’s like you are talking my mind out!

I love it when you talk complete nonsense and tell me what a bore I am when I don’t seem to get most of it :P

I love it when you shop till you drop and then tell me every single detail about every little and big thing you got.

I love your little handwriting, and the way you take your assignments and notes and blah blah blah soo seriously. Nerd!

I love your little tricks that help me get through tight spots.

I love your answer to any imaginable question in this universe : “Google it! “

I love the random texts you send me just to tell me a little thing that happened through the day.

I love it when I don’t have to say a thing before letting you know “the thing”. You just know the look on my face sometimes, even the tone in my voice!

I love the way you have grown as a friend, and more as a person, over the last thirteen years. Thirteen awesome years I have had the pleasure to know you and know you more and know you more and more.

I love the grown up in you, the baby in you, even the granny in you!

I love the things I love about you.

I love the things I hate about you.

I love you girl!

And, this is just to let you know that if ever I had the choice of picking a third sister, it is not possible to imagine anyone but you, for that. You are not just a friend, you are my soul-sister. And no matter where life takes me ( I know it sounds soo-not-me), you will surely be a treasured part of it! :)

Happy Birthday again!

Cheer up! You are legally allowed to serve alcohol in bars now :P

21 & Clueless!

I am 21, and supposedly doing well. End-sem exams went off pretty fine. And if the "doing well" definition encompasses that then I am surely doing really well. Got a 15-days break lined up, that is supposed to be spent completely in the company of family and friends-my most valuable treasures.

But 21 ! Come on! Isn't that the time you should have things figured out?! As in where life is going right now, where it is supposed to be going and how is the transition going to occur- from where it is to where it should be..

Well, out of all these questions, I have answers to , well... let's see..umm.. err.. basically none. And that is reason enough to freak out on your birthday. When it suddenly dawns upon you- You are 21 ! Although the you-are-21 thing isn't that freaky, if not accompanied by the i-have-no-idea-whatsoever thing. Together, the combination is kind of a teeny-weeny disaster! :|

So? What's next? I should really start planning something. Let's see what I am clear about :-?

One thing is for sure. I want to do something huge! Be something huge. I don't want to do just-another-thing, be just-another-person. I guess that is what most people want :P
So figuring that out is not really a big deal :P, but it sure is one thing less to figure out :P

Next, I am sure how i picture myself 15 years down the line.
I should be a workaholic! Nothing less than that. I should be really really busy! Oh how jealous I am of all the busy people around me :P ! Probably, as I have been told, this is the kind of thing that spoils your life once you get to taste it :-/
Well, then let me say, I want to taste that sort of life :P

And yes, no matter what! Money is really really really important! You get the idea how important, right?! /)

Not really sure if it is possible to move ahead with this amount of insight, but that is all I have. And if that be it, let it be. I am surely gonna start working on something really worth it. Something that takes me to a place I really deserve to be. A place where my soul can breathe...

That clears out some stuff already, so now I am only left with deciding What-to-do-next. This post is kind of an improvement, no? Or am I back to square One? :-/
Did I even move to square two at any point ? :-/

Man! Hell, I am Clueless! :P