MoveOn Man! :P

As a teenager, I used to believe that moving away from old friends is a bad thing to do. Infact, I have hated a good number of people for having moved away, and eventually, moved apart. It is not one of the best things you can do to a friend, precisely.

But in the last two years, or maybe over a period of time, I have come to learn that no matter how heart-breaking and disheartening it is, after you have been faced with such a situation; there is, indeed, a way out of the gloom that your life seems to have become. Being left alone by a close friend, when you have needed her/him the most might really be a tough time for people like me (I am supposedly "addicted" to my friends :P ). But just like they say, every cloud has a silver lining. So does this one. Yes, i have come across times when a really close friend has abandoned me. Not intentionally ofcourse, I'd like to believe. But for reasons beyond my comprehension- "being busy" being the most pathetic of them. And it is only with my fair share of experience, I allow myself to suggest you some little ways to overcome the vaccuum that is created after being abandoned by a loved one. This is supposed to be implemented ONLY after you have tried every possible thing on this earth to save and nurture your friendship. It is not something that might go along well with everyone. But, a little help never killed anyone ;)

>> First and foremost, accept that you have been abandoned (or whatever you would like to call that :P). Without that, it is impossible to cope up with the circumstances. Once you are sure what damage has been done, you can begin looking for suitable treatment.

>> Talk about the whole thing to one trusted person, but strictly avoid bitching about it to anyone and everyone you come across. Talking makes things better. Bitching, worse.

>> Learn to put your heart and mind into your work. From college assignments to job projects, anything that keeps you busy is good enough. That will give you less time to contemplate over what has happened.

>> Go out with your (left-over :P) friends and have fun when you have the time for it. There is nothing in this world (except death ofcourse) that has the authority to keep you from having fun and enjoying yourself :D

>> Do not go around looking for a replacement for a lost friend. That is the most stupid thing you can do to yourself, and the replacement. Because there IS no such thing as a replacement when it comes to friends ;)

>> Nothing works as good as family-love. In any goddamn situation on this planet, one thing you can depend upon is your family. You don't necessarily need to share the thing with them. Just being with them works wonders. It is a huge assurance that never fades :)

>> Re-discover a long-forgotten hobby. Reading works for me. Something else might, for you. It is a very rare and vital tool for finding and discovering your own self, at large.

>> All this does help, but the key is to give yourself time to bounce back. If you have been great friends for years, you cannot expect yourself to be alive and kicking in a matter of minutes. It does take time. But it heals. Just like every other thing.

>> Do not let the episode waver your faith in friendship. It is one incident, one person. As long as you can hope for happiness, there is huge possibility of finding it around yourself. :)

>> Last but not the least, learn to be at peace with yourself. Love being with yourself. Not always contemplating, sitting alone; but sometimes just Being! And nothing more than that.

Drifting-apart of friends sure isn't the end of the world, for sure. And these little things and some others surely work (in most cases :P).

However, most importantly, have the courage to take back your friend, if she/he chooses to find place for you. No matter how many years they have been away for. You were friends, and that is reason enough to forget all hurt, arguments and  disagreements. After all, there is nothing like getting them back :)

Have a wonderful life ahead :)

Flash

We run the twenty-something steps to school. The bell has already rung. And we are almost going to be late. Actually "she" is almost going to be late. But then it's one and the same thing. We reach the school gate. A pool of little kids is seemingly being pushed by their parents into the school gate. I hurry her into the gate, and she runs into it with her little steps. I stand there waiting for her to turn and run back to me. The next moment she turns, runs back to me, kisses my cheeks and says, "Give it to mum". Back she runs into the school.

Flash.

We have school at 11. It is 10 and we are already ready. Standing in front of the mirror, we are ready to begin with the imaginative clicks. We imagine we have a camera, and pose in every possible stupid manner in front of the mirror. "Ab aise", says either of us, and immediately springs up a new pose.

Flash.

Summer vacations. 6 in the morning. Back after playing badminton. We have a glass of milk each and then back with a new game. Doo doo dashi dashi, doo doo doo. U for umbrella upon my shoe. Bang! The three of us fall down on the floor laughing and giggling. Later we discover i have got my right hand fractured.

Flash.

She comes home from school, crying. On being asked, she narrates how her teacher accused her of having cheated in test and cancelled her test paper. Papa gets golgappe and ice-cream for her. We have a tiny little golgappa party to cheer her up. Later, we discover she had actually cheated. The first and last time in her life. She hates the whole concept of cheating now.

Flash.

She is on the microphone on the stage, going on with her speech on World Peace and Unity. She is going on perfectly well. I, as the house captain, am standing in front of the line, facing her. Just then, she stammers a bit, forgets her lines, goes mum for a second, and then, "Didi...", as if asking for help. I turn and walk back, embarrassed, as if I have never known her.

Flash.

Just half-an hour is left for her to leave for her exams. I guess her course has all been completed. She doesn't particularly have any love for mathematics. I do. So i have made sure she has done all kinds of sums to compensate for the lack of love for them. We leave for the exam. 10 minutes left for the exam to begin. I have got geography. Just then i feel i have taught her some wrong method of reducing fractions. I check the class-doors to find which room she is in. I find the room and see the students seated there waiting for the papers. I request the invigilator to send her for a minute. I try explaining her the right method. She is astonished I taught her the wrong method. Both of us get nervous. She goes back to her seat. The examination begins.
I see the question paper later. There was no question on reduction of fractions. I am relieved.

Flash.

Childrens' International Summer Village Camp. We are standing in the assembly hall, all excited. Everyone is choosing their room-mates. There are supposed to be 8-10 people in a room. I have been to the camp before. She is going for the first time. I walk up to the teacher in-charge and request her to put her into my room. Request granted.
Later, on discovery of this, she insists she be put in a room with her own friends, not me and my friends for sure. I argue. She argues. We argue. She changes her room. End of argument.

Flash.

For the umpteenth time, a teacher tells her, "Pragya toh used to do so well.You should try and be like her." This is it. She responds saying she is herself, and does not intend to be Pragya didi. And that she is fed up of this comparison. She comes home. Looks upset. Narrates the incident to mummy. I am listening quietly. I feel irritated with the teacher. I make it a point never to talk to that teacher again in life. I don't.

Flash.

She has a very important and difficult dance performance in the school's annual function. She is playing the snake in the dance, that defeats a mongoose. We have a very important marriage ceremony at home the same day. No one is able to attend her function. She gives an awesome performance, we are told later. We miss it. The CD of the performance is available in the school. We don't have a computer at home.

Flash.

Parent-teacher meeting at her school. I am sitting on a chair, looking into her answer sheets, facing Bhattacharya Ma'am. Ma'am is going on and on with how well she has done in her examinations. I am swelling with pride, as if Ma'am has been appreciating me all the while.

Flash.

We are both sitting in front of the computer screen, waiting for the clock to strike 3. My 12th standard board results and her 10th standard boards results are going to be declared. Tick tick tick. We first see hers. It is a whooping 96.something. Man! It is so damn awesome. Even I did not get that much in my 10th standard! My chance next. I could not touch the so-called 90% mark. It is ok. It doesn't matter anyways. Or maybe it does. I shed a tear or two. Mum and pa try to act as if an 89.something is pretty cool. I am sorry for spoiling the whole thing.

Flash.

I am leaving for hostel. She is going to be the only kid at home now-onwards. I am not getting into an IIT anyways. So, it's hardly any happy news. We bid farewell to each other. I am obviously going to come home now and then. I leave. She cries later in the night. I know. Maybe at other times too. No one knows.

Flash.

August 21, 2009. Almost midnight. My train reaches the destination station at around 11 p.m. I am home by 11:45 p.m. I run upstairs to her room. She is sleeping like a little baby on her bed. I wake her up. She gets up, startled to find me standing in front of her. She shouts, still in her sleep, "Tum?! Kaise?! Jao yahan se! Jao!". I burst out laughing. I wish her a very happy birthday. She is truly happy. She is simply loving it.

Flash.

Her bags are really heavy. We are kinda worried as in how are we going to drop her with all of these at her hostel. There are so many other worries too. How is the food going to be. It is going to be so hot there. What about the laundary. And the most important one, SHE IS SUCH A KID! We put all of these worries away for the moment. I set up her room and her almirah, while she is off for her class. When she comes back, we say goodbye. She looks okay. She must be fine. It is not going to be that bad anyways.

Flash.

I am home. Alone. Her stupid things are still all around the house. Something here. Something there. There is no she here though. It is okay. I have vacations. Vacations are awesome. They are supposed to be. They will be. I am going out with friends today. How long, anyways, can you keep missing your stupid, mentally-disabled, "mad" kid sister. Although suddenly, she has started to look more like a kid to me than a sister. I love you bachcha.


p.s. This post is devoid of any kind of smilies as she is not very fond of them. And since this post is dedicated to her, I restrained myself from using them :P

To Be or Not To Be .

I am not annoyed with the way things are happening. I am not scared of what is going to come up soon. I am not nervous about what might happen in the next few days, maybe months.
I am just intrigued... intrigued by the entire phenomenon of life, love and death. And probably life after death. I find it all strange.
We are born. We fall in love with a couple of people. Time moves on. And one fine day (or maybe a not-so-fine day), BANG! There is this sword of death dangling on your neck. Looking right in your face. Weird.


All the more intriguing to me is the thought that whether this "death", that has a monster-like image in most of the young minds, continue to remain true to its image even as the body gets tired, the soul becomes more experienced and the heart grows old. I wonder. What is it like in old-age?! As a routine thing, it's not acceptable to crave for death in any near-to-normal situation, no matter how hard life gets. But doesn't the "goodness" of being alive begin to wither when you are old....Not strong enough to control your own senses... Too weak to walk around... Too tired to express your own emotions... Too helpless to be the real-you. Maybe I have a really terrible image of old-age. Probably because I closely relate old-age to not just suffering, but something more frustrating than that. Helplessness.

And then I wonder. When one is in that kind of a situation, what on earth could provide the poor little soul with the will to live.

When my grandfather was suffering from skin cancer, my parents really wanted him to live on. And they did everything they could. He passed away anyway.

My grandmother's struggle with throat cancer was in no way easier. She was the only essense of the kind of warmth that emanates out of age and experience, in the family. What I saw when I saw her in her last years, was more than pain. It was trauma. It was the reluctance to detach. It was not just the physical suffering. It was the feeling, deep down the heart, of refusing to go away. Away from the known. Towards the unknown.

A few moments before her death, she called me and kissed my hand. That eternal moment is here to stay with me. For the rest of my conscious life. And the question strikes me like hell! Is the transition from life to life-after-death a transition from sorrow to happiness? From human-intervention to divine-solitude? From the state of chaotic confusion to the state of eternal bliss? I hope it is. But what if it is not? :-/

Nani is ill. She is not doing well. There is a lot of glucose, borrowed blood, life-saving medicines, being thown into her system. Through experience, I know it's time to take the clue. I love Nani. I have told her that. A couple of times. Not too many though. I wonder. Where is it that she is heading to? To eternity? To the divine? Or to nothingness? To anonymity? Where?

And then there is the pain. The state when everything becomes seemingly irrelevant. Too trivial. Just the question- To be or not to be? But that question alone opens a plethora of questions. The most striking one- Is 'life' the true sense of "being"? Or is it death and the life thereafter? :-/

For the love of my loved ones, i hope the answer is death. Period.

i DON'T believe...

I have little belief in most things. Mostly, I believe I hardly believe in anything or any concept on this earth. I am one of those people you’d call “devoid” of faith. Yes. That’s me. And I am so very okay with it. Anyways, it’s so much better to be devoid of belief than pretend to believe in something that you don’t really believe in. Complicated though it may sound, it still makes things simpler for me, than complicating them (mostly that is). Particularly, there are some little basic things that I truly don’t believe in. It is this disbelief that guides me to believe in other more significant things. These are the things I know and I am sure, will never change irrespective of the co-ordinates of time, place and situation :).

I don’t believe that life is fair to all. If you do good, you might not necessarily be done good to. It’s not a tit-for-tat world (the real one, that is). And yet, there is not a feeling more beautiful and honest than the one emanating from an act of goodness/kindness. And this little fact strengthens my belief in goodness. And this belief is here to stay in my heart . . .

>> I don’t believe there can be any mortal thing on this planet that can love you more than your parents. A human is capable of love. But no human is capable of giving more love than when he/she takes the form of a parent. If you think, you found someone who can love you as much as your mother did; I’d just say one thing. THINK AGAIN. I believe parental love is the highest form of love possible.

>> I don’t believe that you have to necessarily drift away from loved ones once you get busy in life. I can’t take the bullshit reasons that people give for drifting away. Maybe because I haven’t got that busy in life till now. I don’t know. But there can’t be something that can be more important than breathing! And isn’t a communication with a “forever”- friend more like an intake of the purest form of air?! It is for me, at least. And that makes me believe in the “friends forever” concept :).

>> I don’t believe a “perfect soul mate” exists for everyone. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes, they don’t :-??. Big deal eh? I don’t think so. Love comes in forms unknown to the human heart, and when it does, it doesn’t always necessarily need an authentication certificate of a relationship. You can always love someone truly without being loved back. Probably, that’s the “true love” thing I believe in.

>> I don’t believe that death is an end to life. I have a feeling; death opens doors to a higher life. So when a loved one dies, she/he probably goes to a sweeter, warmer, healthier place filled with eternal love and peace. And this intuitive feeling strengthens my belief in life after death.

~YAY~ !

I am going hooooommmmmmeeeeeeee!!!! :D

Yay :)

>:D<